Hi guys! I still have a bunch of edits to make, but if anyone has some suggestions with any part of this piece, I'd really appreciate any kind of feedback! Thanks!
It was only 1 o’clock and already
Sarah had scored two of the best runway models in the industry for next month’s
spring revealing show and heard rumors about getting her second promotion. This is going to be a good day. Sarah leaned back on her office couch and
popped on her headphones.
“Don’t
worry. About a thing. ‘Cause every little thing. Gonna be alright.”
Sarah’s
long, blonde hair swayed as she moved with the music and reached down toward
the coffee table to pick up today’s paper that her assistant, Mark, had
delivered earlier.
“Two Dead in
Fatal School Bus Crash.” Damn.
“Learn How to Salt Cure Fish with Chef
Bobby Flay.” I think I’ll pass.
She was
almost done skimming the last couple pages when something made her do a double
take. She could see his warm, brown eyes
even on black and white print. Quickly
scanning the rest of the paper, Sarah grabbed the nearby trash can as she read:
Obituaries
Oh my God. No. No. NO! Memories flooded Sarah’s mind as she tried to
forget what she just saw.
It
was her cousin’s wedding reception. All
over the twelve acres of fake green lawn were men in overly-expensive tuxedos
and women in fancy, pastel-colored hats and pastel-colored cocktail dresses. On each of the fifty round guest tables sat a
$1,500 bottle of champagne and divine bouquet of perfectly matching purple and
yellow orchids. Go big or go home: it
was the Hamilton way.
It
was hot, so hot that the eight foot tall frozen swans that once formed a heart
with their curved necks turned into a headless, dripping blob of ice. Sarah, in her electric blue strapless dress,
sat with her arms crossed and rolled her eyes as women passing by fanned
themselves.
“Well
you sure look like you’re having a
good time!”
Sarah’s hazel eyes glared at
his. He flashed a glaringly white smile
and she had no choice but to give one back.
“Dance
with me.”
Before
she could say no, he softly grabbed her hand and pulled her close to his chest,
and they were dancing. How is he getting away with this?
“Oh.
Hi. My name is Carson. I’m best friends
with one of the groomsmen.”
Sarah
was already up close and personal, so she analyzed every bit of him without
shame. His golden hair, displaying a sad
attempt of a comb over, shined in the sunlight. The orange and green plaid button down he had
on didn’t match the shade of his tie.
Sarah could easily tell his suit was an off brand. He was someone her parents would never
approve of, which only gave her more reason to fall for him.
· · ·
“June
8th, 1992 – August 2, 2016
Carson
Hayes, new resident of San Diego, passed away in a car accident on Friday. He was the cherished older brother of Jackson
and son of Linda and Bill, who are from Kentucky. There will be a viewing at Brunner Funeral
home on Monday at 6:00 P.M.”
This can’t be right. Why would he
move to California? He would have never left Kentucky! Sarah heard a soft knock on the door, but she
couldn’t stop gasping for breath as steady tears flowed down her tan skin. Slowly, the door moved inward and Mark popped
his head around.
“Jesus Sarah, what happened?”
“Just.. Just please let me be for
now. Cancel the rest of my appointments for today. I’m so.. Please go. I’m so
sorry.”
Mark reluctantly slid toward the door,
keeping an eye on her the whole way.
After he walked out of the room, she could see him peer over his
shoulder to get a glimpse of her through the window. Sarah closed the blinds
and relocated to her desk to do some online searching. His Facebook showed that he recently changed
his current location to San Diego.
She still
couldn’t believe it, believe that he was here and believe that he is gone. After some more searching, she found an
address with his first, middle, and last name.
Keys were snatched off the desk and Sarah was out the door without
stopping to explain to Mark or any of her coworkers. Within 30 seconds she had already sprinted to
her silver two-door Lexus and was pushing 95 MPH down the freeway.
“Make a left on Preston Street and
your destination will be on your right” the GPS spoke. Sarah crookedly parked on the pavement and
ran up the steps of the cute front porch.
She noticed that this house was the only one in the neighborhood that
even had a porch as she impatiently knocked on the door. Alright. Screw it. Reaching for the knob and giving it a slow
twist, she pushed her way through and gasped.
No curtains, a tattered looking green Lazy Boy, and a yellow Labrador
that came running with joy when he saw Sarah’s face. This was it. Sarah’s chest felt hollow and she burst into
tears.
She wandered through the short,
undecorated hallway to find herself in a bedroom. It was definitely Carson’s; the camouflage
comforter gave it away. On his
nightstand was a frame and photo Sarah had given him on their second year
anniversary. It was a shot of them at
the beach during her spring break, covered in sand with goofy smiles on their
faces. Next to the frame, she saw a
little, light blue box and a white envelope.
Open
the envelope first. Open the envelope first. Dammit. Sarah picked up the box. Had it not been for the bed, she would have
collapsed right onto the ground.
Immediately, she recognized the sparkling diamond she held in her
hand. Turning the ring over, she looked
at the inside of the golden band: “For Sarah, My Forever”.
Sarah could hardly breathe at this
point. Her head was pounding and her
body was quivering. She slid a shaky
finger underneath the white envelope, pulled out the crisp paper, unfolded, and
read with tear-filled eyes.
Sarah,
I tried to move on, and
I tried damn hard. But you are a drug I
cannot quit. You wanted to pursue your dream, and who would I be if I tried to
stop you? After you moved to San Diego, I decided to give med
school a shot, like you always told me to.
I absolutely love it. But I
realize now that my dream is nothing if I can’t enjoy it with the woman I fell in love with on this
day, August 3rd, 6 years ago.
Life without you is
worthless. I have to see you. I have to
be with you. Sarah, you are my forever.
Please take back the ring I so
badly wanted you to keep. Let’s try this
again. Meet me tonight at Stoked, 7 P.M.
Love
Always,
Carson
The white paper was soaked. Her body trembled. She couldn’t breathe. This is all my fault. I left him; I thought it would be best to pursue
our own lives. I was so stupid. He was right, my dream is nothing without him
either. And now he’s gone.
There was nothing else to see. Sarah’s aching heart could take no more. She stumbled back out on the front porch to
see a familiar face pulling up in a U-Haul truck. Carson’s father. The look of utter shock didn’t leave his face
when Sarah put her arms around him tightly, sobbing.
“This is all. my fault. I’m. soo.
sorry..”
She was already in her car when Bill
screamed: “Wait!” Why did he have to go? WHY? God
I hate you! How could you do this?
Sarah drove to the only spot she
could ever find peace. It was 7 P.M. and
the sky was a fiery orange as the sun sunk over Sunset Cliff. She would be with him again.
Try making some of the section have shorter sentences to give a little more impact of the situation going on. Like "She still couldn’t believe it, believe that he was here and believe that he is gone." could be changed to "She still couldn't believe it. He was here. And now he was gone." Also, to give a little more context you can say how long they had talked or haven't if that's the case so the readers can know why he was so important to her.
ReplyDeleteSorry I'm reading this now! The beginning was written really well, it was like i was actually reading a book. I was a little confused with the transition between the paper and then the obituary to the rest of the story. Each section was good, but the transition or sometime of break to make each section clear would make it easier to read
ReplyDeleteYou did a great job with description. I like the addition obituary because it added structure diversity. I agree with Paris about the confusion with transitions; however, this was a good start.
ReplyDelete