Just a short little poem I wrote in PHIL (nurs. major should understand) about my brother who just enlisted in the army :( And I can't help but to rhyme in a poem.. sorry
If only you knew
If only you knew
That taking on that Red, White, and Blue
Would cause such sadness and sorrow
You’re forever gone til tomorrow
We were always together
Because you’re my baby brother
If only you knew
Your dark skin and tall stature
Brought comfort to mom and me
But now that you’re gone
We miss you a ton
If only you knew
That our sadness is actually happiness,
You left life with a grand plan
To become a fine man
Now do what you do
And return so I can say
“I love you”
You did a really good job with the repetition of sounds throughout. The tones are clearly established and it seems that the speaker is sad, but proud at the same time. I really like this poem.
ReplyDeleteThe sound is very clear and give a good image of both the speaker and the brother. I like that you make it clear how you felt about him being gone and it shows the contrast of emotions felt. I would say try playing around with the spacing and lines just to see the kind of effects it could have on the poem.
ReplyDeleteI like the repetition and how close you can tell that you and your brother are. This poem is relatable because so many people go to the Army, and saying goodbye it the hardest part. I like how I can tell that you are proud of your brother, but you don't want him to leave either. Good job on the overall tone!
ReplyDeleteThe repetition in the poem is great. It draws our eye to what you what to stick out at the end of each line.
ReplyDelete