This is a drastic revision of my imagery and density piece.
The
boogeyman was back—
again.
Shh... It's a secret.
again.
Shh... It's a secret.
The shuffle
and sliding of his feet,
Across the rough black carpet
On the move.
He is chasing his prey.
Shh... It's a secret.
Across the rough black carpet
On the move.
He is chasing his prey.
Shh... It's a secret.
My eyes
are open, but I don't see.
Desperate for light, my eyes scan the room.
Without my permission, they find the light creeping under the door.
Their shadows are black blobs,
moving too fast for me to see without my glasses.
I slam my eyes shut.
Because the boogeyman's business is a secret.
Desperate for light, my eyes scan the room.
Without my permission, they find the light creeping under the door.
Their shadows are black blobs,
moving too fast for me to see without my glasses.
I slam my eyes shut.
Because the boogeyman's business is a secret.
My ears
are still open.
They too, listen without my permission
Her pleas—
quick, quiet, and breathy.
I don’t to listen.
Because the boogeyman's business is a secret.
They too, listen without my permission
Her pleas—
quick, quiet, and breathy.
I don’t to listen.
Because the boogeyman's business is a secret.
Her pleas
are no longer in the air.
All movement halts.
Peeping underneath my eyelids, the blobs are gone.
He caught her.
Shh... It's a secret.
All movement halts.
Peeping underneath my eyelids, the blobs are gone.
He caught her.
Shh... It's a secret.
Thump-Thump-Thump-Thump
My heart is drumming against my ribs.
"They will hear" I say. "Stop the noise"
"They can't know that I know—
Because the boogeyman's business is a secret."
My heart is drumming against my ribs.
"They will hear" I say. "Stop the noise"
"They can't know that I know—
Because the boogeyman's business is a secret."
He will be
back again, we all know it.
Shh... It's a secret.
Shh... It's a secret.
I like the alliteration and personification throughout the poem. Are you missing the word "want" in stanza 4 line 5? I think you are. There are good movements and sounds making the poem really flow.
ReplyDeleteThis revision is good. I still understand the concept you are trying to get across with the boogeyman. I like the breaks and how the there is some repetition
ReplyDeleteI didn't think you'd be able to match the original piece but sure enough, you did. So creative, and I love your line breaks and arrangement. Crazy good work here.
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