Drastic Revision

            Before the revision I made the story as if the main character Angela was dreaming, this is what I changed it to.

           

            “Hey Ang. Let me speak to your dad?”

“Hey grand mom, okay how’s mom?”

“You’re mom is…The phone goes blank.

            Everything runs through Angela’s head. She does not know what to think. What is going on? Is mom alright?  Oh please let my mom be okay? Angela’s grandmom calls back in tears.

            “Hey Aaron. I have some bad news. Cameron is not doing well. Could you break it to the girls that Cameron is…is… in a comma. I’ll be over in a little.”

            “I’m so sorry to hear that. I will definitely let them know. “Their father replies.

            The girls get home for school and see their father sitting on the couch with his hands in his head.

            “Girls come sit, I have to tell you something. It’s about your mom,” he says hesitantly.

              “What? What about mom is she coming home?” Anisa says anxiously.

                “Sweetie, no she’s not coming home. She’s stuck in her sleep, so she has to stay in the hospital so they can monitor her and help wake up.”

            Angela knew exactly what her dad meant by she was stuck in her sleep. She began to burst in tears. In denial she screams “No, No, No!” Falling into her dads arms.

            A few weeks go by, as Angela begins to get used to being able to do certain things on her own with little to no help from her father. He has been more of a help now that they have found out the news, but Angela insist on doing things on her own because she knows that is what her mom wanted. She now picks her and her sisters clothes out, knows how to wash clothes, and cleans her own room sometimes even parts of the house.

            “If only mom could see me now. I could hear her say now I’m proud of you honeybunchie. That’s all I want right now, is to hear her voice.”

            Angela goes to the hospital after asking her dad and grandmom if she can go visit her mom to just talk to her and let her know what has been going on. She goes to the hospitals and sits with her mom for hours. Talking about how much Anisa is growing, how much closer they were getting to their dad and about how she was doing in school. She then goes about telling her mom how independent she is becoming.

            “ Mom I’m doing what you wanted. I’m helping out around the house more. I pick out Anisa and I’s clothes... and guess what?! I know how to the laundry all by myself now, I don’t change the colors or shrink clothes anymore! Aren’t you proud of me? I’m sorry for all the things I said before you got sick. I realize now that you were just trying to help me and not be a nag. All I want now is for you to wake up. Please mom! Please...just wake up! Do you hear me I need you?! Angela says bursting into tears and holding her mother’s hand.

            As her father goes to take her away, Angela feels a grasp. Life shocks her hand like a strong bolt of electricity.

            Her mom begins to wake up.