Revised version?
#OG
In the neighborhood of
Montjoy, you’d fall into one of the four categories:
The 6:50 a.m. soccer
moms driving very carefully around the roundabout in minivans, the 6:51-6:56
a.m. kids walking from every angle towards the epicenter, the 6:57 a.m. those fantasizing
of becoming the next “DK” (drift king) from the next fast and furious, roar
their engines and slam their accelerator to beat the same, sluggish, yellow bus
with 179 slapped onto the side as it squeaks its way into the neighborhood or
the 6:58 a.m. people calling work to inform them of their tardiness.
We
were once those kids at 6:56 a.m. but no longer and never will be again, my
friends and I learned our ways around the neighborhood over the past seven
years. Now seniors in high school, we’d all had drivers licenses and were too
cool for a school bus.
Every
morning of our last year was the same routine…
With both hands on the
steering wheel she’d yell, “Next time ya’ll wake up late, ya’ll walking yo
a**es up to school.”
“LOVE YOU AMANDA!” we’d
yell back with huge grins on our faces until we’d hear the first late bell ring
and Ranya’s face would freeze.
“Damn it!” she’d say “My
mom’s going to kill me if I’m late… again,” as she’d sigh, fogging up the back
right window.
“Calm down Ranya! It’s
only your second. I already have morning detention L-O-L!” I’d yell back.
I
was never a bad student and I’d only get into trouble for two reasons: One, for
being tardy. Of course! You would think
the school would want their kids to arrive safely, not parked crooked and out
of breath. Two, skipping class to have our daily meet ups in the bathroom
to talk about our plans after school. Plans usually included the raiding the content
of each of our refrigerators because their house was mine and mine was theirs.
Amanda,
Daphenie, and I had all met in the fifth grade and always met outside of our
neighborhood. We were always home alone because of our hardworking single
mothers, but we didn’t mind as much. With
our mom’s not being home, we were allowed to drop our backpacks by the door and
play outside. As time passed, we had picked up another friend in our
growing relationship. Ranya had joined our middle school class in the middle of
seventh grade.
I really like your use of time duration here. This piece seems extremely reflective as the character thinks about how she isn't a bad student. I like your use of dialogue and italics it effectively establishes different voices.
ReplyDeleteHahaha I love the line about raiding each other's refrigerators- SO my friends and I, to this day.... I actually like this version better than your first! You gave a lot more detail. I agree that the timeline works well! Brought me back to my high school days, when being 1 minute late to class was committing a sin.
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