This is a remake of my first imagery/density piece! A little cheesy, and definitely less heavy than the original.
July
Booming colors, ooh's and ahh's
Salty air and sandy feet
Shining grins and open arms
Good ole' Pop and little me.
Excitement faded as I saw the light
In your eyes slowly dwindle,
A light that my ocean treasures and
Toothless smiles would never rekindle.
The kaleidoscope sky
Has become black and white,
Booms mimick the ache felt in my chest
When you had to say goodbye.
I love the change in pace from the first stanza through the second and to the third. I think it works really well with the topic. I think you can be a little more specific in the line "Has become black and white". Other than that I think you did a good job changing the piece. It moves very quickly compared to the imagery and density piece.
ReplyDeleteThere is still density but I feel like having read the original the images aren't as strong. It was a short, full of message piece. I like it! :)
ReplyDeleteThere is great imagery in this piece. I agree with Sade that the black and white line could be heighten to match the rest of the imagery in the piece.
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